Friday, September 28, 2012

.....lifeguard off duty.....

....this week has been one in which I have felt grounded.....prepared even.....Sunday night I planned all of the weekly meals, ensuring that our Monday night dinner was a crock pot recipe because it has turned out that Mondays are harried, full and we are all in the car for most of the day.....

....the groceries were delivered Monday morning, so my refrigerator would be full of color and healthy options.....the laundry was done, the lunches have been packed ahead of time and we still have had opportunities to play.......after living in boxes for six weeks, I am starting to feel less reckless and more structured.....and as much as structure is good, too much can be rigid....so we have balanced it out by spontaneous trips for fun....and when I say fun, I mean the kind of play that comes to mind when I think back to my own childhood...... 


....no, it's not Florida.....

....but this Connecticut, quick trip to the shore, way of life is glorious and I am inhaling the intoxicating ways this charming place is reeling me in.....

....when Stefan and I were narrowing down where to live, the access to the water kept drawing us both to CT.....the sand is not white or fine, the water is not translucent aqua blue and the sun does not burn hot until November......but the oyster and mussel shells keep us entertained as we search for crabs and other little beach critters.....the sailboats rip in the wind and occupy the mini coves that hug the shoreline and the beach draws us near, even with a slight chill in the air.....in fact, swimming isn't heard of or allowed in most places post Labor Day.....another extra something that keeps us grateful during the three months of the year when we can swim.....




....I smile at the thought that my own children will get their own beach memories for their childhood.....their Momma inhales the humid, sticky, hot and salty air of Florida and is transported back home and they will get the the same nostalgia in their own way as their senses determine over the next few years what home will mean to them......


....and opposed to pelicans, we have geese up here.....


....quite the surprising change.....


....and although the beach could be our playground on a daily basis, we still visited some old fashioned slides and monkey bars this week......the fact that we have been able to carve out some great outdoor activities so easily has been good for all of us.....




.....fall is not quite in the air yet, but it is close....if anything, the birds, geese and ducks are starting to show signs they are gearing up to fly south for the winter....they scrounge any bit of food they find to store for their long journey....



....and although the temperatures have not dropped to the point we are cued that a new season is near, we are gearing up for it too......the pumpkin and spice candles are lit every day and we are trying out some new recipes that scream, cozy.....


....and as always, I am thrilled to have a volunteer for assistance.....


....we are enjoying the small moments of suburbia newness......


....and although the city is still on my mind daily, there are some chores that are so much easier in the burbs.....


....it doesn't get much better than this.....

....and yes, that is my first pumpkin spiced latte of the season......or the season we are anticipating with bated breath..... 


....happy soon to be cozy weather and beginning of fall.....we are pulling the warm clothes out hoping it will cue mother nature that we are ready for pull overs, cords, suede and cashmere.....

.....and pardon the open snaps showcasing the wet and soggy diaper.....

.....in fact, take back everything I said about structure in the home.....

....some things just don't change.....

....enjoy the weekend.....


Sunday, September 23, 2012

....one foot in, one foot out.....

.....I am the type of person who jumps in with both feet.....I do not dabble, I do not test the temperature of the water with my big toe and I certainly don't wade in slowly.....if I am going to do it, I am going to commit fully and will usually make my entrance with a running cannon ball; splashing all who are lingering poolside.....

.....as a mother, I value the importance of showing my girls (and Brody will soon catch on) that I have the courage and confidence to showcase my cannonballs, hoping they will follow suit......when I know the water is cold and the day isn't really sweltering hot, I still leap.....hoping that in due time, they too will have the desire to jump in full force regardless of the temperature.....maybe they will be swan divers, back divers or simply wade into the water only to perform a semi dive off the side of the pool from a sitting position.....whatever works for them works for me, but I do want them to experience throwing themselves into something bigger than they are and finding their way to a place that feels safe......

....I am certainly out of my comfort zone in the burbs.....some things feel natural and easy and other things are very hard for me to adjust to.......I am attending school drop offs and pick ups and making small talk with the other Moms.....I am joining nursery school committees to meet people, making play date plans for the girls and listening to the advice that so many new acquaintances want to share with me.....and it has been very welcoming.....but it also feels so new.....and rightly so, as we have been here for two weeks.....but as I am morphing into a new me, as every uncomfortable experience forces us to grow; I am realizing that I do not like being the new person.......for my girls sake, though; I am doing those fearless cannon balls and high fivin' when they have made their mark, but I am faking the confidence thing for them because there are days I want to pack it all up and head back to the city.....I want to go back to the bustling streets and wave to five people I know during my 9 minute walk to the pediatrician, grocery store or playground.....there are days I want the safety of the side of the pool without having to leap.....

.....but, I have also been around long enough to know that it takes time.....it will be a while until it feels remotely like home......and the positive thing is that there are many new women I've recently met who I know can be good friends in my future.....many of them uprooted their families, specifically from NYC and have made a great life where we are now.....so there is a commonality of empathy already established......

.....the girls are also making their new connections and those will flourish sooner than mine will because little girls just cut to the chase and declare they are BFFs in such an innocent and sweet way......we chose a great place to raise our family.......so with hopeful besties for all of us, I have been encouraged and am peaceful underneath the current of change......

.....but during a day when I needed a little bit of home sweet home remedy, I pulled out tickets that have been burning my pocket for months and drove Elsie to the city for a night out with old friends.....



.....and it didn't take moving to the burbs to learn that I thrive on the energy of NYC......this I have known since I dreamed of living in the big city as a college freshman......my heart literally starts beating faster when I see the sky line in the distance.....the hustle and bustle of our old neighborhood was refreshing and I think it's safe to say that at some point in our lives, Stefan and I will most likely live in NYC again.....maybe not full time, but enough to get our fill......

......but for now, we will take the big apple in small doses and drink it up when we have the opportunity.....


.....The Fresh Beat Band concert was one of those momentous firsts as a parent......Elsie and Madelyn danced, laughed, giggled and fearlessly shimmied their way from our aisle to inches from the stage to truly experience the evening......



.....during the grand finale, Julie and I half giggled/half cried as the confetti exploded all over the girls......100 feet away from us and down towards the stage, we saw the girls laughing and experiencing such a magnitude of excitement......I have never seen this kind of euphoria from my oldest and it was emotional to watch her from a distance....she was experiencing a band she loves with one of her best friends and the sheer joy of independence (or at least feeling that way since they couldn't see us, but we could see them) was joyful and heart breaking all at once.....she is nothing close to being my baby anymore.....always a baby, but not one that needs her Momma so much.....


.....but back in CT, they need their Momma a lot.....

....back in CT, the tide changes....

.....brave at home for the first day of school, the girls were thrilled to pose before heading to their new classrooms......Elsie reluctantly parted from me once we arrived, making me promise we'd have fun that afternoon.....and she slowly took baby steps toward a table of new faces and my heart ached for her knowing it is difficult to be the new girl.....she wore her BFF necklace from Madelyn and I reminded her that somewhere in that classroom were several BFFs......I am not sure she believes me quite yet, but she'll believe me soon enough......


.....Callie, however, was big and brave on her first day......Stefan happened to be with us because we had an inspection scheduled on a house we are trying to buy and both of us were stunned at her bold wave and independence as she explored her classroom......

.....the second week of school has been a different story......I am sick to my stomach for an hour after our departure......I am talking screaming, hyperventilating crying......reaching out to me with the saddest face, while her teacher gently manages to keep her in the classroom.......all while she is yelling, "Momma, please don't leave me"......and as soon as I take the corner, stop at the water fountain to catch my breath and wet my dry mouth, contain myself enough to walk back to her door and discreetly peer back into the window with my hand over Brody's mouth so Callie doesn't hear his babbling; I am relived to see her playing and participating like the whole dramatic scene didn't even happen......there has been change for all of us and it has been channeled around here in so many ways.....


....for instance, packing a PreK lunch is taking way longer than it should.....I am confident I will have this nailed down to 3 minutes come February.....


....but our trips to NYC have been frequent......concerts, play dates and birthday parties have had us back three times in the last 14 days.....and no, we are not living in the past; we are just making frequent visits so that we get our dose of comfort before we prep for those cannon balls.....




....and Thursday mornings are all about my little man.....at least until my new bible study begins in a few weeks....I inhale my one on one time with any of my children like it's the freshest scent I have ever known.....but this little boy truly doles out the smiles, hugs, giggles and kisses like I have never known.....


....I still thank God every day for the opportunity to have a boy....of course, three girls would have been grand.....


.....but the plan that was chosen for me is perfect.....


.....and whether new or old.....diving in or clinging to the poolside chair dreading the plunge......city or suburban.....some things stay status quo.....

....of this I know is true.....


Thursday, September 13, 2012

.....end of our era......

....as a disclaimer before this post begins, let me inform you that I had 90% of this written on Thursday evening....my eyes were half shut as I was typing; so I was forced to post it, revert it back to a draft and had planned on finishing/reposting it Friday night......

....well since Friday night, we have had two birthday parties, a comical trip to Home Depot, a road trip to NYC, a play date dinner with friends, several more boxes unpacked, refolded and saved for another pending move in November, rotavirus followed by the worst diaper rash I have ever seen in three babies, a big morning at church, a fabulous kid free lunch with a bestie, a broken down car, a loaner car which happens to be a really cool/dorky mini van and a manic start to our Monday......

....to the point that Thursday night felt like a year ago and I am sure my emotional state is different than it was four days ago.....so this post may be a bit bi-polar.....excuse that and keep in mind I am one hot mess......

.....please refer to this disclaimer often......

....Friday, September 7th......

......the walk out of my corridor was heartbreaking.....moving out of the city was so much harder than I anticipated......although I knew that once I departed and entered the bright light at the end of the doorway, a new day would arrive.....



....nine years passed so quickly and the almost decade flashed before my eyes on the eve of the move.....

.....the eve was the most painful of it all.....even worse than walking through the empty apartment the day of leaving the city......but isn't it always the emotion of anticipation that really gets us anyway?......whether excited and euphoric and jumping around on that can't believe it's here high or the stomach twisted and worried nervousness of the future; it is always the unknown of monumental events that does us in.....but we got through it......

.....moving day morning was fast and furious.....pure craze.....there were 10 men in our home at 7:15 AM......and if you haven't heard the sound of tape wrapping boxes, it is loud and intrusive.....there is nothing comforting about the sticky strip unwinding from its roll; followed by the sound of the tape snapping into place and then the box being passed in a conveyor style manner between 3 men down the hallway to leave your home.....these guys were moving so fast, that our entire apartment was packed, loaded and empty in 3 hours.....



.....Stefan managed the process and I loaded the babes and drove to CT......both girls had a meet and greet in their new classrooms and it was better for all of us that we were gone while the apartment went from what we knew as home to an empty shell that rang echoes....


....it would have been too hard on all of us- especially the ladies of the home......we three are turning out to be quite the emotional group......just a few days before move out, we had our besties over for a party.....PJs, pizza, Tangled, and popcorn......and even though the apartment echoed with most of our belongings off the walls and cozy items packed in boxes; it was still home.....the sound of laughter and giggling rang through the hallways.....



....they had their movie, each other's company and an open space of lovely hardwoods to run free......



....singing and talent shows....



....and the sweetest little 16 month old who absolutely loves to be a part of the happenings around here.....


.....although none of the kids mentioned it, I felt like they all knew this was the last of these occasions in our place.......certainly, they all knew we were moving; but what 4.5 year old really understands what a move truly means?.....Elsie and Callie recently grasped the fact that you take your own furniture with you when you go.....it was like Christmas in September at the realization their beds were coming with us......

.....but each of our little friends helped me move boxes, they all wanted to understand what was happening, and Brody tagged along for all of the festivity........it was also the easiest, sweetest play date of 8 kids I have ever had..........and honestly, the only play date of 8 I have ever done......but I would do it again in a second......it was pure sweetness all around..... 







.....and when our goodbye day arrived and little William passed out his remember me presents; all of the littles looked at this event as a "see ya soon"......


......and as much as I tried to make it an until next time, there were still a lot of tears from me because I know that things are going to change more than my girls realize.....



....but we had one last shake down in the playroom.....and this time there was wine, music, lots of adults, friends in and out of the party, every kid we know (almost)......neighbors who used to live here that came back for a good reason to see the city, lots of good food and a whole lot of high pitched squealing......









.....and I must say that I am glad the goodbyes and moving week are all over.....not necessarily because of the physical effort it takes to move a family of five......but more because our lives can be renewed from this point on......I can remember the old and cherish it earnestly, but I can also be set free of the thoughts of this is the last time I will ever buy whole milk here......or this will be our last trip to so and so park with a NYC address......

....those fatalistic, end of an era thoughts are draining and I am ready to set them free......

....although not without nostalgia.....




.....it was real, it was raw and now it's part or our story....



.....farewell, NYC.....you were so good to us.....