Sunday, September 23, 2012

....one foot in, one foot out.....

.....I am the type of person who jumps in with both feet.....I do not dabble, I do not test the temperature of the water with my big toe and I certainly don't wade in slowly.....if I am going to do it, I am going to commit fully and will usually make my entrance with a running cannon ball; splashing all who are lingering poolside.....

.....as a mother, I value the importance of showing my girls (and Brody will soon catch on) that I have the courage and confidence to showcase my cannonballs, hoping they will follow suit......when I know the water is cold and the day isn't really sweltering hot, I still leap.....hoping that in due time, they too will have the desire to jump in full force regardless of the temperature.....maybe they will be swan divers, back divers or simply wade into the water only to perform a semi dive off the side of the pool from a sitting position.....whatever works for them works for me, but I do want them to experience throwing themselves into something bigger than they are and finding their way to a place that feels safe......

....I am certainly out of my comfort zone in the burbs.....some things feel natural and easy and other things are very hard for me to adjust to.......I am attending school drop offs and pick ups and making small talk with the other Moms.....I am joining nursery school committees to meet people, making play date plans for the girls and listening to the advice that so many new acquaintances want to share with me.....and it has been very welcoming.....but it also feels so new.....and rightly so, as we have been here for two weeks.....but as I am morphing into a new me, as every uncomfortable experience forces us to grow; I am realizing that I do not like being the new person.......for my girls sake, though; I am doing those fearless cannon balls and high fivin' when they have made their mark, but I am faking the confidence thing for them because there are days I want to pack it all up and head back to the city.....I want to go back to the bustling streets and wave to five people I know during my 9 minute walk to the pediatrician, grocery store or playground.....there are days I want the safety of the side of the pool without having to leap.....

.....but, I have also been around long enough to know that it takes time.....it will be a while until it feels remotely like home......and the positive thing is that there are many new women I've recently met who I know can be good friends in my future.....many of them uprooted their families, specifically from NYC and have made a great life where we are now.....so there is a commonality of empathy already established......

.....the girls are also making their new connections and those will flourish sooner than mine will because little girls just cut to the chase and declare they are BFFs in such an innocent and sweet way......we chose a great place to raise our family.......so with hopeful besties for all of us, I have been encouraged and am peaceful underneath the current of change......

.....but during a day when I needed a little bit of home sweet home remedy, I pulled out tickets that have been burning my pocket for months and drove Elsie to the city for a night out with old friends.....



.....and it didn't take moving to the burbs to learn that I thrive on the energy of NYC......this I have known since I dreamed of living in the big city as a college freshman......my heart literally starts beating faster when I see the sky line in the distance.....the hustle and bustle of our old neighborhood was refreshing and I think it's safe to say that at some point in our lives, Stefan and I will most likely live in NYC again.....maybe not full time, but enough to get our fill......

......but for now, we will take the big apple in small doses and drink it up when we have the opportunity.....


.....The Fresh Beat Band concert was one of those momentous firsts as a parent......Elsie and Madelyn danced, laughed, giggled and fearlessly shimmied their way from our aisle to inches from the stage to truly experience the evening......



.....during the grand finale, Julie and I half giggled/half cried as the confetti exploded all over the girls......100 feet away from us and down towards the stage, we saw the girls laughing and experiencing such a magnitude of excitement......I have never seen this kind of euphoria from my oldest and it was emotional to watch her from a distance....she was experiencing a band she loves with one of her best friends and the sheer joy of independence (or at least feeling that way since they couldn't see us, but we could see them) was joyful and heart breaking all at once.....she is nothing close to being my baby anymore.....always a baby, but not one that needs her Momma so much.....


.....but back in CT, they need their Momma a lot.....

....back in CT, the tide changes....

.....brave at home for the first day of school, the girls were thrilled to pose before heading to their new classrooms......Elsie reluctantly parted from me once we arrived, making me promise we'd have fun that afternoon.....and she slowly took baby steps toward a table of new faces and my heart ached for her knowing it is difficult to be the new girl.....she wore her BFF necklace from Madelyn and I reminded her that somewhere in that classroom were several BFFs......I am not sure she believes me quite yet, but she'll believe me soon enough......


.....Callie, however, was big and brave on her first day......Stefan happened to be with us because we had an inspection scheduled on a house we are trying to buy and both of us were stunned at her bold wave and independence as she explored her classroom......

.....the second week of school has been a different story......I am sick to my stomach for an hour after our departure......I am talking screaming, hyperventilating crying......reaching out to me with the saddest face, while her teacher gently manages to keep her in the classroom.......all while she is yelling, "Momma, please don't leave me"......and as soon as I take the corner, stop at the water fountain to catch my breath and wet my dry mouth, contain myself enough to walk back to her door and discreetly peer back into the window with my hand over Brody's mouth so Callie doesn't hear his babbling; I am relived to see her playing and participating like the whole dramatic scene didn't even happen......there has been change for all of us and it has been channeled around here in so many ways.....


....for instance, packing a PreK lunch is taking way longer than it should.....I am confident I will have this nailed down to 3 minutes come February.....


....but our trips to NYC have been frequent......concerts, play dates and birthday parties have had us back three times in the last 14 days.....and no, we are not living in the past; we are just making frequent visits so that we get our dose of comfort before we prep for those cannon balls.....




....and Thursday mornings are all about my little man.....at least until my new bible study begins in a few weeks....I inhale my one on one time with any of my children like it's the freshest scent I have ever known.....but this little boy truly doles out the smiles, hugs, giggles and kisses like I have never known.....


....I still thank God every day for the opportunity to have a boy....of course, three girls would have been grand.....


.....but the plan that was chosen for me is perfect.....


.....and whether new or old.....diving in or clinging to the poolside chair dreading the plunge......city or suburban.....some things stay status quo.....

....of this I know is true.....


2 comments :

Michelle said...

Aw, thank you for the update! Praying for y'all with all of the transitions.

Amy said...

Tracy you always have the best attitude!! My heart hurt reading that Callie is having a hard time going to school now. When Katie was 3 years old, she was the same way. She begged me to start school and was thrilled to go on the first day, but after that it was torturious! She got herself so upset she even threw up one morning! It is hard to coax them into school when you are fighting back the tears yourself. We started letting her take her special tweetie bird and blanket with her and that helped a lot. She finally got to the point where she would leave them in her backpack, but just knowing she had them made her comfortable. Also maybe try a the Kissing Hand. Praying you all find your groove soon!