Thursday, September 6, 2012

....raw....

....there is no beauty to this post.....there are no extravagant pictures, no recipes, ideas or euphoric aha moments I want to share.....nothing other than me and my red couch; surrounded by bare and paint stripped walls that once shelved pictures of my dear family that I love so much.....

....this is where we arrived hours after our closing.....our first apartment together.....Stefan was the husband who carried me over the doorway of our home when we entered its new bareness.....the day that we walked in every room of the house and sipped champagne because we were so excited we found a three bedroom home.....except I didn't sip champagne.....I sipped sparkling water because I was pregnant......pregnant with a baby that I lost at 10 weeks along.....this is the place that I came home to sob for days for the baby that wouldn't be......this is the place that housed our discussion when Stefan was asked to move to London and instead, he took a 6 month assignment and we commuted every other weekend for visits......this is the apartment I came home to during that 6 months when I worked harder than I did the entire 12 years of my career.....partly because it made the time pass by faster, but also because I was in a bad career slump....

....this is the home that after a two month sabbatical to spend time with my husband in London that we started planning for another baby.....the one that made me a Momma....the one that changed everything about how I perceived life.....the baby who made my career goals vanish the instant her warm and wrinkled little 8 lb, 2 oz body was placed on my chest....this is the home I paced night upon night when she had day/night confusion......the home I told Stefan through wet tears that I couldn't imagine leaving her to go back to work.....the career, that after pulling myself out of the slump, was going exceptionally well.....but none of that mattered.....

....my kitchen cabinets that are now dry and empty is where Stefan came home from work when Elsie was 6 months old to find a positive pregnancy stick......I am not sure why I put it there, but I had 2 more big fat positives in my bathroom, too; because I kept testing to really make sure......it just couldn't be.....I'll never forget the excited look on his face that we were going to do it again....nine months later, this is the apartment where I stood at my front door with two neighbors consoling me.....crying that two babies was too much for me to handle.....and those neighbors saw the good days and the bad.....and those neighbors are life long friends......

.....this is the apartment we finally got our groove on with two little girls in the house.....Callie's love for life was apparent from her first smile and Elsie's doting compassion have been a sweet combination.....everywhere I look in this apartment is a memory of the 3.5 year sisterhood that has evolved.....the crayon marks on the wall from where their craft table used to be, the Cinderella stickers that are stuck to a few squares of my hard woods, the permanent marker scribbles all over my silverware drawer, the dents in their wall from having talent shows and banging their instruments in perfect unison against them....it's been so perfect here......among all of the imperfections of living in such a small space....

.....and most recently, Brody.....the baby that opened my eyes to why the suburbs would be best for our family.....the one who I rocked in my bedroom while one of the grandmothers stayed in his nursery/office after his arrival.....the sweet little newborn who stole my heart in an entire new way than either of my girls did.....the one who now gets thrown in our closet in a pack and play when we have guests.....the one who shares his own space with an office.....the one we wake up every time we need the computer, the printer or a file that we have to review post bedtime.....the sweet boy who goes with the flow, but craves the outdoors.....the toddler who instantly leaves his crib in the morning and hands me his shoes because he wants to go outside.....the little boy who loves to run, roll in grass, and explore......the one who will love the suburbs more than any of us.....

....this is the apartment where all of my babies arrived from the hospital.....the place we told them, welcome home......

....this is the same bare apartment that seemed so big in the beginning and is now a crowded space to our party of five.....this is where all of the dreams Stefan and I planned as a newly engaged couple came true.....this will always be our first home and I will miss it so very, very much.....

....in seven hours the moving trucks arrive....I will have one last weep walking through the empty apartment and then the chapter will be closed and sealed....when we walk out the healing will begin....the mourning of the end of this phase of our lives will be over and the newness of our future will bloom......

.....but for tonight, I will let myself feel the pain and sadness.....tonight I will remain raw because I know that feeling every part of it; missing it so intensely in these moments on the eve of moving day is what I need in order to thrive and prosper in our future..... 

....farewell, 305.....

....you have loved us so and I will never forget you.....


4 comments :

Stephanie said...

There's nothing like your first place. Thanks for being so candid. I know I'll feel much the same when we move on from our little house someday.

Amy said...

Beautifully written...I hope tomorrow is a perfect start in your bright, blessed, new home!

Anonymous said...

I feel so sad reading this Tracy. You have such happy memories of your first home - but the reason you've written this particular blog is because you're leaving the City. I'll miss you all so much. Praying that your new life in the burbs is equally blessed and beautiful.

Davian said...

I know the feeling all too well. You put it all so beautifully. Right now we are just pretending the second floor does not exist, with that big empty space in it. Let's plan a visit soon...