....empty tank.....

....honestly, the last thing I have felt like doing lately is meeting up with this blog....I have been trying to slow down the pace for the family, soak in the children during this Christmas season, unpack a few boxes here and there, browse pinterest after the kids are in bed for design and furniture inspiration and actually prepare for Christmas......

....I haven't had much in the tank lately for photography or writing.....however, there have been many times during the course of this blog's life, that I have hit this road block......and I find the best way to get over an uninspired phase is to show up......regardless of how I feel, I show up anyway and write.....and although it may not be my best writing, I do it nonetheless because sooner or later, the fog lifts and I am raw with emotion and imploding to tell about it......

....here I am.....I've showed up this evening and I must admit, that my new work place is a very, very  good place to reflect.......

....I am feeling homey, cozy and blessed.....

.....although amidst all the security and comfort, I have still been in a frenzy the past few weeks.....a minor panic is more honest.....I am feeling pressured, unsettled, and overwhelmed......and as often as I tell myself that I am moving the house projects to the back burner until after Christmas, I can't help it.....I am easily side tracked and have been told since the early days of my young, adult professional life that I always bite off more than I can chew........leaving me with many unfinished projects.....

.....I am the over ambitious starter......the one who kick starts ideas and executes, but also tends to fizzle quickly.....

.....Stefan has learned how to manage my over zealous enthusiasm for being a jump starter......he is also handy and loves to paint......so when I began to project manage the weekend on Friday night, requesting a quick detour to Home Depot before we picked out our tree; he deemed this project as a go......he is the closer of all projects we do together and before he even answered my Home Depot request, he had already committed to the project too.....

.....I bolted on this project when my mind racked up another 5 things for my to do list, just as my cell phone rang and my arm got tired; abandoning yet another project so I could leave to begin several others.....

....however, we blazed through several shades of blue on Saturday until we found the one that we love.....

.....and that project is still in progress, but it's looking rich, soothing, dark and inviting.....

....besides, it is Stefan's project now and he will close us out strong.....

....he always does.....

.....we did begin to decorate for Christmas this weekend, which felt really good......it does slightly irriate me that Thanskgiving hardly gets its own glory.....I understand the hype of wanting to move on to Christmas......but when so many families are decorating and adorning their trees in November, it makes me feel like buying a tree on December 8 is terribly late.....

....not late....

.....actually, perfect for what we have had on our plate....Christmas has filled in the empty holes on shelves and made it our home very quickly.....

....sixteen days of enjoying our jingle bells and twinkling lights will be thoroughly inhaled every waking moment.....I love a decorated and cozy Christmassy house.....

.....and I love sweet sentiments of Christmas, like Elsie's PreK class popping in to the senior center in Darien to sing 7 Christmas carols......

....and after several nights of hushing us as she sang to practice her carols, beginning from the top if there was even the slightest interruption- such as a cough or a whisper- she just wasn't feeling it in front of the crowd.....

....no hand gestures, no smiling, no heart felt, singing her lungs out for the seniors......nothing.....and just as I was getting concerned about whether or not she was still breathing up there on that stage, she gave me a sign that told me what was going on.....

....she yawned, rubbed her eyes, and totally checked out for the last two songs.....

....we are all a little weary in this house.....

....but nothing that juice and cookies couldn't fix....

 .....we did manage to squeeze in some down time on Sunday....in fact, we lounged most of the day and it was grand and very overdue.....however, we did close out a few minor projects, like organizing our gift and wrapping paper stations and our cleaning supply closets; but we also took extended breaks.....the girls were able to explore, play, be creative and do their sisterly thing......

....and the next two weeks will have its balance of merry and jolly and also quiet and reflective......

.....and regardless of inspiration, time or desire; I will show up to tell you about it.....

....raw....

....there is no beauty to this post.....there are no extravagant pictures, no recipes, ideas or euphoric aha moments I want to share.....nothing other than me and my red couch; surrounded by bare and paint stripped walls that once shelved pictures of my dear family that I love so much.....

....this is where we arrived hours after our closing.....our first apartment together.....Stefan was the husband who carried me over the doorway of our home when we entered its new bareness.....the day that we walked in every room of the house and sipped champagne because we were so excited we found a three bedroom home.....except I didn't sip champagne.....I sipped sparkling water because I was pregnant......pregnant with a baby that I lost at 10 weeks along.....this is the place that I came home to sob for days for the baby that wouldn't be......this is the place that housed our discussion when Stefan was asked to move to London and instead, he took a 6 month assignment and we commuted every other weekend for visits......this is the apartment I came home to during that 6 months when I worked harder than I did the entire 12 years of my career.....partly because it made the time pass by faster, but also because I was in a bad career slump....

....this is the home that after a two month sabbatical to spend time with my husband in London that we started planning for another baby.....the one that made me a Momma....the one that changed everything about how I perceived life.....the baby who made my career goals vanish the instant her warm and wrinkled little 8 lb, 2 oz body was placed on my chest....this is the home I paced night upon night when she had day/night confusion......the home I told Stefan through wet tears that I couldn't imagine leaving her to go back to work.....the career, that after pulling myself out of the slump, was going exceptionally well.....but none of that mattered.....

....my kitchen cabinets that are now dry and empty is where Stefan came home from work when Elsie was 6 months old to find a positive pregnancy stick......I am not sure why I put it there, but I had 2 more big fat positives in my bathroom, too; because I kept testing to really make sure......it just couldn't be.....I'll never forget the excited look on his face that we were going to do it again....nine months later, this is the apartment where I stood at my front door with two neighbors consoling me.....crying that two babies was too much for me to handle.....and those neighbors saw the good days and the bad.....and those neighbors are life long friends......

.....this is the apartment we finally got our groove on with two little girls in the house.....Callie's love for life was apparent from her first smile and Elsie's doting compassion have been a sweet combination.....everywhere I look in this apartment is a memory of the 3.5 year sisterhood that has evolved.....the crayon marks on the wall from where their craft table used to be, the Cinderella stickers that are stuck to a few squares of my hard woods, the permanent marker scribbles all over my silverware drawer, the dents in their wall from having talent shows and banging their instruments in perfect unison against them....it's been so perfect here......among all of the imperfections of living in such a small space....

.....and most recently, Brody.....the baby that opened my eyes to why the suburbs would be best for our family.....the one who I rocked in my bedroom while one of the grandmothers stayed in his nursery/office after his arrival.....the sweet little newborn who stole my heart in an entire new way than either of my girls did.....the one who now gets thrown in our closet in a pack and play when we have guests.....the one who shares his own space with an office.....the one we wake up every time we need the computer, the printer or a file that we have to review post bedtime.....the sweet boy who goes with the flow, but craves the outdoors.....the toddler who instantly leaves his crib in the morning and hands me his shoes because he wants to go outside.....the little boy who loves to run, roll in grass, and explore......the one who will love the suburbs more than any of us.....

....this is the apartment where all of my babies arrived from the hospital.....the place we told them, welcome home......

....this is the same bare apartment that seemed so big in the beginning and is now a crowded space to our party of five.....this is where all of the dreams Stefan and I planned as a newly engaged couple came true.....this will always be our first home and I will miss it so very, very much.....

....in seven hours the moving trucks arrive....I will have one last weep walking through the empty apartment and then the chapter will be closed and sealed....when we walk out the healing will begin....the mourning of the end of this phase of our lives will be over and the newness of our future will bloom......

.....but for tonight, I will let myself feel the pain and sadness.....tonight I will remain raw because I know that feeling every part of it; missing it so intensely in these moments on the eve of moving day is what I need in order to thrive and prosper in our future..... 

....farewell, 305.....

....you have loved us so and I will never forget you.....

.....the core......

....yesterday was a day I watched her and acknowledged I have a little girl.....not a toddler, but a new four year old who is exercising her own independence, asserting what she likes and what she doesn't and coming into her own, just as God has intended for her.....

.....she hasn't taken the tap shoes off since yesterday.....

....again, as noted before, our neighbors who live below us are counting the days until our apartment sells......

....time will tell if this is just a new activity or a passion that has been sparked because I have never seen her so head over heels about practicing her new trade......

....and when she isn't tapping and clicking away on our hard wood floors, she is experimenting with some new styles......Daddy has had three weeks of travel on his schedule and on his last trip the girls awoke to new knee socks under their pillows as a token that they were thought of at some airport in a distant place.......

.....and since then, Elsie has also decided to add some flair to her feet because she will no longer wear shoes that make a pair......she wants to mismatch.....and she calls herself, Miss Mismatch......proudly......

.....Callie, on the other hand, sleeps, eats and plays in either a princess costume or the red hand me down tutu that used to be Elsie's......I have to pry it off her for bedtime and I stretched the truth when I told her that her teachers will not allow children to bring toys into class and that her school categorizes tutus as toys.....

....it's kind of true....

....she will not wear a dress that does not spin like a princess.....she rips off jeans.....won't wear leggings that aren't pink or purple and she boycotts any dress or skirt that has a slim cut....she has gone from rocker/tomboy style to enchanted girly girl over night and I am having to carve more time out of our day to plan for negotiations on the wardrobe......I usually let her run with most of her ideas.....

....she is my budding spirited, zealous, funny and extraordinary love child....there is no one like her.....

.....and so we usually look like this on most days.....

....and I say it out loud at least once a week that as fun as girls have been, God blessed me so fully when he gave me a son.....because sometimes on challenging wardrobe days, it's so nice to know the road ahead with Brody will be a totally different path.....

....my man was digging the train station at FAO Swartz on the last wet and rainy day we had.....and as a first time Momma of a boy, I learned all about the difference between going the Thomas the Train route or the Chuggington route....apparently, it's a big decision on what toy trains you select for your boy.....who knew?.....

....but what I do know is that no matter what, anytime I set out with a friend on a mission to get out of the apartment, opposed to sitting inside on a cold, rainy day; I feel like a rockstar......the kids had off of school on Friday for a teacher planning day and Julie and I decided to set out to the toy store since the weather was going to be dreadful.....and when the rain started blowing sideways, we each stared out our windows and resisted the urge to send a text canceling.....

....I'm so glad we stuck with the plan, even through most of us were soaked before we even arrived.....when kids are in a toy store, anything goes.....especially one of the greatest toy stores.....ever.

.....just a little play date at a place tourists wait hours to enter during Christmastime.....I'm not taking anything for granted on these final months in the city.....

....and despite all of the moving parts right now, I am also feeling very present....

.....and a lot of it has to do with sleep....it's been 9.5 months, but we are finally at a place where we are sleeping for 10 hour clips....I would have never believed anyone who would have told me it would take as long as I was pregnant to get my baby to sleep through the night.....clearly, my girls spoiled me....

....but I would do it a million times over....

....and I came to this blog tonight with only a small group of pictures....I had no clear message in my mind  to write, but I can't help but feel so very much at home with this post.....as the whole reason I started this blog was to capture every moment because I knew they were passing faster than I could catch.....I wanted to remember everything.....

....and I have certainly been very emotional since announcing the move and the reality sets in....I can well up in an instant just watching my children at a park that we have been to 1000 times because I always want to remember how much we love that particular park and how much joy it has brought my girls.....and although I swallow large lumps in my throat daily because the end is near, I also appreciate the rawness of feeling so much.....it's the exact emotion that inspired me to blog and it is a powerful surge of determination and drive to suck these moments dry......

....a wise women with three grown boys watched Stefan and me at a birthday party this weekend.....it was a party of mostly adults, but we chased after our children, ensuring sticky hands were kept to ourselves and pretty glass bowls and vases were only looked at, not touched.....she lovingly watched us and acknowledged the work that this party was causing for us; since most guests enjoyed gourmet olives and spread brie during their adult conversations with each other.....but she said something that resounded with me as we watched our three young children sit in a circle and laugh at each other....she said, it's a lot of work in the phase with three young children, but the greatest thing about this phase is that they are all yours right now.....you aren't sharing them with anyone or anything and all they want and need is you.....

.....Amen, wise woman....and thank you for acknowledging that it is hard....because it is.....really hard....but it's the beauty of this time we will remember in our wise old days.....and her comment leads me back to the core of this blog....

....savoring every minute of this wild and wonderful ride....

....backyard fun....

....the apartment officially goes on the market this week....the virtual for sale sign is about to be hung.....the photographer was here today, rearranging furniture and perfectly timing his angles just as the sun beams would flood this space I have called home for nearly 6 years.....the place I have brought home all of my babies.....it was emotional....I was an anxious wreck all hopped up on coffee since I procrastinated to clean and reorganize my apartment until the morning of.....but now it's for real......not just something I talk or write about.....we are moving.....sooner than later....

....but I know one thing is for certain......

....the neighbors who live below us will not miss us.....

....not one bit.....

....I was changing out of my PJs on Monday morning, only to rush out half naked at the loudest banging I have heard in a long time....luckily, Brody was with me, so I knew no one was in danger; but this is not a fun way for the gentleman below us to start his week at 7:08 am.....notice the trail of stuff behind my girls.....I take a deep breath every time I think about the phone calls for a showing in 45 minutes......no matter how you look at it, the next few months of trying to sell an apartment will not be fun.....at all.....

....so we'll make up for fun in other ways.....

....a 50 degree heat wave was enough for me to keep my children outside as long as possible yesterday.....so when Callie went to school after lunch, Elsie and Brody were snug and strapped in the stroller so we could walk in the sun for a while.....when Brody nodded off and Elsie asked where we were headed, I decided to try out a park that I have only heard about.....so a 20 minute walk south turned out to be an afternoon of excitement for Elsie.....unlike his usual self, Brody continued to snooze long after the stroller was still, so Elsie and I explored this new playground together and it was impressive.....

.....better yet, she and I got to play.....really play......

....and that was fun for both of us....

.....but the heat wave is long gone.....one day we are back to long sleeves and puffer vests and the next, we are bundled so tightly and still can't get warm enough......we have had it very easy this winter, though.....by this time last year, we were already setting records for snow fall......so expecting to duplicate the season, I made a new tradition the first day of winter announcing that on the initial snowy day of the season, we would have ice cream sundaes for breakfast.....needless to say, the girls have literally looked out the window every morning since then and have been sorely disappointed to see bare trees and crunchy leaves on the ground.....

....well it finally arrived....last weekend, Stefan and I laid in bed giggling while we listened to the dialogue between the girls upon seeing their window winter wonderland while still rubbing sleep from their eyes.....it is the moments like those I wish I could bottle up to experience two decades from now.....it was precious and we didn't have much time to lie awake enjoying their sweet voices because within 10 minutes, we were at the breakfast table.....

.....nothing like a good sugar high at 8 am to start the day....

....but we've added healthy fun into the routine too.....a tradition for almost two years now, but no pictures to show for it, Sara brought her camera to document the outing....I can't believe we have never had a camera to prove that our children will actually sit down for this special occasion.....none of my friends outside of this building believed me when I told them 2 years ago that the best place to take the littles for a lunch treat is the sushi place across the street.....it is hands down, one of the best outings we do as a building......

.....for $20, the three of us (and now four) can eat lunch.....we all start with edamame, move on to sides of white rice, drink our miso soup from deep bowls and then the girls (and now Brody) inhale avocado rolls and I order my stand by sashimi dish....it's fun, it's healthy and we have only had a few episodes of curious children eating too much wasabi....

.....and the goodbyes are always too soon after a sushi lunch, so we always head to the playroom to extend the time with each other a bit more.....

....and this last play date, we actually had a plan to keep the kids busy, focused and engaged.....

.....by no means would I call myself crafty......in fact, I don't really enjoy crafting......but what I do enjoy is watching these babes focus on something they make that they think is really beautiful.....I like the way they enjoy or dislike the sensation of glue on their fingers....the way they make patterns with their favorite items they find to decorate with.....the way they concentrate so hard to make it just right.....so in the spirit of our next holiday, we glammed it up with love crowns.....

....and not expecting much after the crafting was over, we couldn't believe how each one of the children wanted to wear their crowns.....it was such a testament to the pride they took in their little creations....the tangible proof that they had made something they wanted to show others.....lining up after several minutes of play for a second dose of glue to refasten a loose end or to reattach a jewel or feather in the exact place it was beforehand.....

....now if I could only get that kind of ownership in picking up toys and clothes strung around the apartment.....

....but the heart stickers and pink glitter must have made them all affectionate and lovey because there was a lot of cuddling and hugging going 'round the room.....it was a sweet sight to see.....

....and so to bring it all full circle, I must say that as crazy as I anticipate this next phase of selling the apartment, cleaning for open houses and tidying up for dinnertime showings, we have a lot of fun in our backyard to balance it all out.....and when you add some best friends to the mix, the task ahead feels a lot less daunting.....

.....so although the neighbors below us may be happy we are leaving, there are others who are not so thrilled....these little people are truly great friends and I look forward to showing my children through example that friendships can still be nurtured and grown even with a little distance between us.....