.....end of our era......

....as a disclaimer before this post begins, let me inform you that I had 90% of this written on Thursday evening....my eyes were half shut as I was typing; so I was forced to post it, revert it back to a draft and had planned on finishing/reposting it Friday night......

....well since Friday night, we have had two birthday parties, a comical trip to Home Depot, a road trip to NYC, a play date dinner with friends, several more boxes unpacked, refolded and saved for another pending move in November, rotavirus followed by the worst diaper rash I have ever seen in three babies, a big morning at church, a fabulous kid free lunch with a bestie, a broken down car, a loaner car which happens to be a really cool/dorky mini van and a manic start to our Monday......

....to the point that Thursday night felt like a year ago and I am sure my emotional state is different than it was four days ago.....so this post may be a bit bi-polar.....excuse that and keep in mind I am one hot mess......

.....please refer to this disclaimer often......

....Friday, September 7th......

......the walk out of my corridor was heartbreaking.....moving out of the city was so much harder than I anticipated......although I knew that once I departed and entered the bright light at the end of the doorway, a new day would arrive.....

....nine years passed so quickly and the almost decade flashed before my eyes on the eve of the move.....

.....the eve was the most painful of it all.....even worse than walking through the empty apartment the day of leaving the city......but isn't it always the emotion of anticipation that really gets us anyway?......whether excited and euphoric and jumping around on that can't believe it's here high or the stomach twisted and worried nervousness of the future; it is always the unknown of monumental events that does us in.....but we got through it......

.....moving day morning was fast and furious.....pure craze.....there were 10 men in our home at 7:15 AM......and if you haven't heard the sound of tape wrapping boxes, it is loud and intrusive.....there is nothing comforting about the sticky strip unwinding from its roll; followed by the sound of the tape snapping into place and then the box being passed in a conveyor style manner between 3 men down the hallway to leave your home.....these guys were moving so fast, that our entire apartment was packed, loaded and empty in 3 hours.....

.....Stefan managed the process and I loaded the babes and drove to CT......both girls had a meet and greet in their new classrooms and it was better for all of us that we were gone while the apartment went from what we knew as home to an empty shell that rang echoes....

....it would have been too hard on all of us- especially the ladies of the home......we three are turning out to be quite the emotional group......just a few days before move out, we had our besties over for a party.....PJs, pizza, Tangled, and popcorn......and even though the apartment echoed with most of our belongings off the walls and cozy items packed in boxes; it was still home.....the sound of laughter and giggling rang through the hallways.....

....they had their movie, each other's company and an open space of lovely hardwoods to run free......

....singing and talent shows....

....and the sweetest little 16 month old who absolutely loves to be a part of the happenings around here.....

.....although none of the kids mentioned it, I felt like they all knew this was the last of these occasions in our place.......certainly, they all knew we were moving; but what 4.5 year old really understands what a move truly means?.....Elsie and Callie recently grasped the fact that you take your own furniture with you when you go.....it was like Christmas in September at the realization their beds were coming with us......

.....but each of our little friends helped me move boxes, they all wanted to understand what was happening, and Brody tagged along for all of the festivity........it was also the easiest, sweetest play date of 8 kids I have ever had..........and honestly, the only play date of 8 I have ever done......but I would do it again in a second......it was pure sweetness all around..... 

.....and when our goodbye day arrived and little William passed out his remember me presents; all of the littles looked at this event as a "see ya soon"......

......and as much as I tried to make it an until next time, there were still a lot of tears from me because I know that things are going to change more than my girls realize.....

....but we had one last shake down in the playroom.....and this time there was wine, music, lots of adults, friends in and out of the party, every kid we know (almost)......neighbors who used to live here that came back for a good reason to see the city, lots of good food and a whole lot of high pitched squealing......

.....and I must say that I am glad the goodbyes and moving week are all over.....not necessarily because of the physical effort it takes to move a family of five......but more because our lives can be renewed from this point on......I can remember the old and cherish it earnestly, but I can also be set free of the thoughts of this is the last time I will ever buy whole milk here......or this will be our last trip to so and so park with a NYC address......

....those fatalistic, end of an era thoughts are draining and I am ready to set them free......

....although not without nostalgia.....

.....it was real, it was raw and now it's part or our story....

.....farewell, NYC.....you were so good to us.....

....raw....

....there is no beauty to this post.....there are no extravagant pictures, no recipes, ideas or euphoric aha moments I want to share.....nothing other than me and my red couch; surrounded by bare and paint stripped walls that once shelved pictures of my dear family that I love so much.....

....this is where we arrived hours after our closing.....our first apartment together.....Stefan was the husband who carried me over the doorway of our home when we entered its new bareness.....the day that we walked in every room of the house and sipped champagne because we were so excited we found a three bedroom home.....except I didn't sip champagne.....I sipped sparkling water because I was pregnant......pregnant with a baby that I lost at 10 weeks along.....this is the place that I came home to sob for days for the baby that wouldn't be......this is the place that housed our discussion when Stefan was asked to move to London and instead, he took a 6 month assignment and we commuted every other weekend for visits......this is the apartment I came home to during that 6 months when I worked harder than I did the entire 12 years of my career.....partly because it made the time pass by faster, but also because I was in a bad career slump....

....this is the home that after a two month sabbatical to spend time with my husband in London that we started planning for another baby.....the one that made me a Momma....the one that changed everything about how I perceived life.....the baby who made my career goals vanish the instant her warm and wrinkled little 8 lb, 2 oz body was placed on my chest....this is the home I paced night upon night when she had day/night confusion......the home I told Stefan through wet tears that I couldn't imagine leaving her to go back to work.....the career, that after pulling myself out of the slump, was going exceptionally well.....but none of that mattered.....

....my kitchen cabinets that are now dry and empty is where Stefan came home from work when Elsie was 6 months old to find a positive pregnancy stick......I am not sure why I put it there, but I had 2 more big fat positives in my bathroom, too; because I kept testing to really make sure......it just couldn't be.....I'll never forget the excited look on his face that we were going to do it again....nine months later, this is the apartment where I stood at my front door with two neighbors consoling me.....crying that two babies was too much for me to handle.....and those neighbors saw the good days and the bad.....and those neighbors are life long friends......

.....this is the apartment we finally got our groove on with two little girls in the house.....Callie's love for life was apparent from her first smile and Elsie's doting compassion have been a sweet combination.....everywhere I look in this apartment is a memory of the 3.5 year sisterhood that has evolved.....the crayon marks on the wall from where their craft table used to be, the Cinderella stickers that are stuck to a few squares of my hard woods, the permanent marker scribbles all over my silverware drawer, the dents in their wall from having talent shows and banging their instruments in perfect unison against them....it's been so perfect here......among all of the imperfections of living in such a small space....

.....and most recently, Brody.....the baby that opened my eyes to why the suburbs would be best for our family.....the one who I rocked in my bedroom while one of the grandmothers stayed in his nursery/office after his arrival.....the sweet little newborn who stole my heart in an entire new way than either of my girls did.....the one who now gets thrown in our closet in a pack and play when we have guests.....the one who shares his own space with an office.....the one we wake up every time we need the computer, the printer or a file that we have to review post bedtime.....the sweet boy who goes with the flow, but craves the outdoors.....the toddler who instantly leaves his crib in the morning and hands me his shoes because he wants to go outside.....the little boy who loves to run, roll in grass, and explore......the one who will love the suburbs more than any of us.....

....this is the apartment where all of my babies arrived from the hospital.....the place we told them, welcome home......

....this is the same bare apartment that seemed so big in the beginning and is now a crowded space to our party of five.....this is where all of the dreams Stefan and I planned as a newly engaged couple came true.....this will always be our first home and I will miss it so very, very much.....

....in seven hours the moving trucks arrive....I will have one last weep walking through the empty apartment and then the chapter will be closed and sealed....when we walk out the healing will begin....the mourning of the end of this phase of our lives will be over and the newness of our future will bloom......

.....but for tonight, I will let myself feel the pain and sadness.....tonight I will remain raw because I know that feeling every part of it; missing it so intensely in these moments on the eve of moving day is what I need in order to thrive and prosper in our future..... 

....farewell, 305.....

....you have loved us so and I will never forget you.....

.....the last week.....

....so I began this blog post yesterday and when I took some time today to finish it, I was putting myself to sleep with how boring it was......actually, it sort of sits on the weak blog post side of the fence; although you wouldn't believe the improvement from, see Elsie eat pizza or Brody really likes his friend, Evan kind of writing.....I am so zapped from prepping for this move, that I do not have much left for this little blog.....physically or emotionally.....but let me see if I can pull anything out to share from the place inside that harbors the heartbeat of this house.....

.....however, please note the above disclaimer....

.....moving on......

....I have a new found respect for families who have packed up and moved, all while balancing children around the house without close relatives nearby.....in our home, I pack a box and then Brody unpacks its entirety during the two seconds I have turned away to reach for another item......and if he is not in my presence, it becomes way too quiet, too quickly; and he will have managed this..... 

.....and no, my family is not around to swing by and take the kids to gramdmas or to a cousin's backyard for an afternoon swim in the pool.....but we do have besties who want to make the most of our last days together....

.....and Brody is clinging to all the man time he can get.....while we know we will make new friends, it may take some time.....he must know his near future holds many afternoons of dress up, Rapunzel's castle and waitress because he has been loving the presence of anyone other than a little girl around lately......

....but honestly, waitress isn't that bad....one sister serves up the food, one is the customer and Brody gets a pink, glitter belt tied around his waist and the sisters pretend he is the doggie who sits at the table and is forced to drink milk from a tea cup.....

....he knows it is coming and he is holding these last few days with the boys near and dear......

.....and just to throw in another disclaimer, on this particular day out with friends; the girls thought it would be super funny to wear their brother's tee shirts in public......please disregard the Mr. Mischief  and the Beach hunk on duty, size 12-18 month tees.....Momma has to pick her battles these days.....there's just a lot going on....

.....after a pizza lunch play date, Julie and Sara both offered to take the girls to the park while Brody napped and I could peruse my home and make progress without my helpers clipping my tail......my girls were ecstatic about the idea and the headway I made in the apartment alone for two hours was fantastic....

....and I completely appreciate not only the offer, but that Julie willingly submitted herself to what we have called this summer as water balloon hell.....it is the scenario when you realize you are the only adult at the water fountain and every kid on the playground needs assistance filling up water balloons....they sweetly ask you for help and once you fill one up for little Suzy; Tommy, John and Kate want one too......in the meantime, you lose your own children who are running freely around the park and as you break free to find them, the entire fountain crowd of kids screams for you to come back because they need help......

....and did I mention that water balloon hell means you leave the park completely soaked from the chest down to right above the knee?.....

....what an act of love, Julie!......

....family doesn't have to be blood related.....friends can be just as helpful as family.....at least ours are.....we will certainly miss the proximity of our besties......and we are grateful for the love they give us daily.....

.....we did have our first sleep over in our temporary apartment on Saturday.....we packed linens, towels, summer clothes, pantry items, sleeping bags, pack n plays and air mattresses......we got all ready for bedtime and quickly realized we didn't have shower curtains, soap or pillows.....I forgot all three of those things from the list, but we made do.....

.....and we watched the boats come in and out of the marina right on the Long Island sound from our balcony.....

.....there is a little boardwalk for fishing, strolling and harbor watching and I think there will be many weekend mornings spent on that boardwalk in the not so distant future.....

....fall is in the air.....by the time we are moved and settled, we will be sliding sweatshirts over our heads and slipping into cardigans before our strolls.....a much different scenario than a few weeks ago when we realized our girls are hooked on fishing......

.....no pun intended....

.....the last portion of our Texas trip was spent celebrating Stefan's Dad's 70th birthday......the four siblings selected a house big enough for the four couples, Papa T and nine grandchildren and we made it home for three nights......

......it couldn't have been a more perfect setting......

....the six oldest cousins took turns swapping poles for their pre breakfast casts and the fish were hungry.....

....all of the uncles collectively supervised, all while teaching each child how to do it themselves.....including baiting hooks with live worms......

.....not one of her favorite parts about fishing.....yet she kept going back for more worms.....hmmm, quite typical for my thrill seeking, spit fire.....

....however, they all did their part and patiently waited....

.....and then they all hit at once.....

....Callie was just as excited for Elsie when she got her first fish and willingly volunteered to wrestle the fish down for Daddy or an uncle to remove the hook.....

.....but we learned that some fish are sharp and not too friendly after being yanked from their safe haven.....

.....yes, there are many days of fishing ahead for all of us.....

....we are excited about our coastal apartment in the burbs......and although temporary, the new apartment is change and a shift can be good for all of us.....so the goodbyes have been bittersweet.....however, tomorrow begins the hard goodbyes......friends who need to stop by because they won't be here for Friday's move......this next wave of long embraces will be the ones where it really sinks in for our family that we are leaving for good.....

....the final weekend has passed and due to the fact that it was a holiday, we took advantage and made a night of double dates, as well as a good one on one night out.....

...probably another reason why my words have been a little gargled.....

.....but we like to do it up right on our way out.....

....more parties to attend, more boxes to pack and a few more days to take it all in and preserve it in this wonderful chapter of life.....