.....A tribute to mamas........

I found this picture that was archived on my blog and had to re-post considering Mother's Day weekend is ahead of us. This picture was taken on our honeymoon, somewhere off the coast of St. John's in September of 2004. I love this picture because I love the day that we had that lead up to this sunset cruise. I loved the way our life was back then. Easy. We had great careers, we traveled a ton, and we had endless nights of quality tim. We had lazy mid day brunches on the weekends after rolling out of bed whenever we wanted. It was what we refer to now as "our old life" and back then; we couldn't imagine anything better than what we had.

Fast forward 11.5 years. We have 4 children that all love to wake up early. We don't go to brunch or have endless quality time. On the contrary, there are some days that we don't really talk much due to scheduling. We still roll out of bed, but not in a way that you do when you know you're going to brunch. It's more of a roll and stumble to the coffee maker, all while listening to 4 orders of what the littles want for breakfast 

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I am sure tons of you can relate to the life before and the life after children. Here's the truth.

In this picture, I had no idea that my heart could grow so big. I had no idea that I would gladly stay up all night with a sick child or that my heart would break on their first day of Kindergarten. I had no idea how much work being a parent is; no clue about the amount of things you have to remember when they are babies and toddlers. I was clueless to the amount of laundry that comes with each child, had no idea that being a parent also means that you are a doctor, activities coordinator, mediator, maid, chef, driver, comedian, negotiator, judge, crafter, actor, singer, hair stylist, and a human pillow for many nights of child hosting in our bed. 

It never even occurred to me that getting out of the house as a married couple would sometimes mean moving boulders in order to escape; and in the earlier years, screaming children would be pounding at the door after our departure because we were in a phase of severe separation anxiety. In fact, I didn't even know what the term "separation anxiety" meant when this circa 2004 picture was taken. 

I didn't know that little girls start to have boy crushes at the age of 7 or that they would start slamming doors at me this young either. I also didn't know how much it would hurt my feelings, but now I fully understand why my Mom took my bedroom door off the hinges as a teen. 

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 I didn't understand the special bond a mother and son have, nor did I understand the special one a mother and daughter can have too. I could not have imagined inconspicuously recording my son talking about his day during bedtime, only because I want to have a permanent record of the way his 5 year old voice sounds. It's the only way I know how to capture it before I forget what it sounds like. 

I had no idea what it would feel like to will time to stand still, but also experience so much joy to see my children growing. I didn't understand so much back then, but it all becomes clearer to me every single day.

To my own mama on Mother's Day weekend, please know how deeply I love you and how grateful I am for every single memory we've shared in 41 years. You sacrificed so much for us and now I understand how much joy we gave you. Your encouraging words ring true in my heart every single day. 

To my other mom on Mother's Day, you raised a son who is a treasure in our home. He is everything I want Brody to be and I thank you for all of the love and devotion you put into raising him. I can only hope that if and when Brody marries that I can love his wife as beautifully as you have loved me.

Happy Mother's Day to every mama out there who cannot even imagine what life was like before becoming a mama. And here's hoping that you get a small glimpse this weekend of what life was like when you weren't one. 

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Cheers to pampering and not lifting a finger, mamas! 

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Enjoy your Mother's Day weekends!

Xx

....glimpse of light.....

.....it has been an emotional week in our household.....all good blessings to count, but add in hormones and a few unexpected surprises and it has taken a toll on my energy and stamina......but yesterday was a good day to inhale these three little beings and lovingly pat the one that is being perfectly created and woven together with each and every minute.......without the four of them, mothers day would not have been possible for me.....

.....I entered week 14 on Saturday and I finally feel like there is light at the end of the queasy and exhausted tunnel I have been traveling......as mommas, I think most of us would agree that each pregnancy seems to get tougher.....maybe it is because we are older than the one prior......maybe it is because we have more to take care of as each birth provides another human that needs everything from us......but I will say, this pregnancy has knocked me flat on my back.....I have not picked up the camera, cooked a good meal, written a good blog post, or stayed up past 9 pm in three months......actually, if it wasn't for Stefan and my babysitter who helps me on Wednesdays, I would not have washed any clothes or made my bed, either......

....I have no extra energy for anything......

.....add a little bit of life to that equation, plus three kids and a husband......and you have yourself one momma who is barely holding on........

.....but, I do see the light......

.....and in between the seltzer swigs and the daze I walk through, I catch moments that remind me it is all a quick glimpse in the grand scheme of things......first trimester days fall away fast and we forget how tough they are.......if we didn't, each of us would only have one baby......

.....my children have picked up for me, intuitively knowing they were needed to step in......

......and small moments of activity have been cherished......

.....coloring has been an easy activity, just as laying down on the floor so I can be the patient for "doctor" or siting in a chair with my eyes closed while we play "salon" and the kids brush my hair......

.....I feel like it was only yesterday when I ate a full box of saltines each morning at my work desk, hiding them in a drawer; trying to keep the nausea a secret from my colleagues.....and that baby is thriving......she's on the brink of kindergarten and is just as close to being a tweener as she is from when she was a newborn.....

.....and when the emotional ups and downs of life have surfaced this week, I have thought so many times that these too will be a few of the many, many experiences that chalk up to life......several things that have scared me in the past have turned out to be okay, a blessing even.......just as many things that have been joyful have been far greater and more beautiful that I could ever have imagined......

.....with each season, we get wiser; as we have more experiences to draw upon and more hope to carry us, regardless of where each of our sources of faith stem from......

.....the seasons turn fast......but for this one that we are currently in the midst of, I know that our family will bloom.....

.....hope your Mother's Day was lovely.......

....momma's day.....

....I had a whole post planned out on how I was going to talk about the legacy of motherhood in honor of the special weekend that is upon us.....I was going to weave in my pictures from last week when my brother and his family were here and combine their trip with the idea that my Mom's legacy has already been passed on, even as she lives fully and vivaciously several hundred miles away from us.....her spirit is embedded into the time I spend with extended family and has already been absorbed by my own children.......I had it all prepared and laid out in my head.....I thought about the post every day this week and kept adding to the ideas of how the writing would flow as I thought of other things that relayed to celebrating mothers .....

....however, Mother's Day is here in a few hours and I am just tuning in to my date with my MAC.....if there is one thing that we mommas learn to do well early on in this adventure is acknowledge that one thing is always constant in our lives.....change and flexibility......so that post will have to be saved for another Mother's Day.....

.....today was too beautiful of a day not to enjoy it to its fullest......so we packed in a morning birthday party on 74th St and then a 9 hour round trip trek to see friends in Connecticut to spend time at their local carnival.......

....and it was a fantastic time had by all......but it wasn't easy.....and that got me thinking, there aren't many big events we do that are ever easy......whether Stefan is my wingman or if I am solo with my three, like I was today; it always takes work, effort, patience and the ability to multi task.....and a lot of humor to keep it all light and breezy.....and I'm not naturally light and breezy, so I need some good laughs to keep it all in sync.....

....so this one keeps it real for us......

.....I watched my girlfriend, Cristen, who gracefully handled her 4 year old, 2 year old and 2 week old at this carnival......she looked fantastic, she had her newborn nestled close to her in the baby carrier and also had the energy and patience of a Momma who has had plenty of sleep, which has not been the case for her......and it reiterated to me that it is hard for her too.....it's hard for my girlfriend who has two babies at home with a traveling husband.....it's hard for my girlfriend who has two older kids, one whom has a disability.......it's hard for the momma with a newborn who won't eat, the momma who has to leave her baby to go to a job she doesn't enjoy, but has to keep......the one who is raising her kids alone, as a single momma and the one who can't fully enjoy motherhood because she has an ailing mother she's also nursing......however, just because it's hard doesn't mean that all of these mommas don't give it their all and show up each day ready to do it all over again......

.....I certainly have memories of walking through the beaten paths to our favorite Florida beaches when I was a child.......my brothers and I would carelessly wander down the trail, picking sea grass stalks on our way as my Mom carried chairs, toys, buckets, bags and towels.....she was always several feet behind us, smiling as she heaved the burden......

.....and while our days feel long as we do out best to provide happy and fun experiences for our little ones, we try not to reveal that this experience we are working toward is really chalking it up as a toughie.......we wouldn't want to damper their freedom and easy going state.......being a kid flies by too quickly for them, just as it does for us......before they blink an eye, they will be making sacrifices for their own babes.......

.....and although we try not to let them know it's tough, there are days it is necessary to let them feel it like we do......like this past Thursday when it was Callie's turn for her ballet performance for Parents Week.....I was so excited to watch her class because just as Elsie has flourished in tap this year, Callie has found that she is graceful, dainty and coordinated......she loves ballet so much that at the end of every session; she asks me, Mommy, when can I come back to ballet? I just love it so much......

.....so, as I did for Elsie earlier on in the week, I made plans to be alone with Callie for her class so that I could give her my undivided attention.....but on our way there, I was informed that it was the bake sale at nursery school and that Elsie was hysterical because I had forgotten to send her with a dollar.......and even though every empathetic parent within a 5 foot radius of her during school drop off was offering her money, she did not want any of the charity because she wanted her own dollar.....yes, I am the momma that despite the 500 emails from the school that there was a bake sale and that each child needed to be sent to class with a buck, I failed to remember.......

.....so Callie and I took a detour to Elsie's school......I flailed the dollar across the classroom while signaling a thumbs up to Elsie; more so that she will be proud of me since I must have had mental telepathy as if to know she had been upset and I had now come to the rescue......and we left a happy big sister, only now with a grumpy little sister who declared she was tired, thirsty and wanted to go home.....I decided we'd hail a cab so that we wouldn't be late, but no can do at 9am on a Thursday morning......

.....so I ran in my 3 inch espadrilles......up a huge hill we sled down in the winter and north three blocks.....I ran so hard that I am sure I must have transformed my quads because mine were burning so badly that it isn't possible to not have shapely, modelesque legs when you worked the quads like I did for the 7 minutes it took me to run to ballet......and we were still late......and I tore up my feet and trailed blood droplets in my path as I tried to hide my panting when we walked across the studio full of proud parents and care givers......and even upon arriving to two wonderfully sweet and adoring ballet instructors, little sister was still grumpy and did not want to be in class with 25 parents lined up in chairs against the wall taking videos and pictures......

....so she let me know she wasn't having any of it.....

.....and when I ignored her grumpy faces, smiled and carried on even though the sweat was now profusely pouring out of my body, she decided to cry very loudly; which turned into sobbing within five seconds....so again, she let me know she wasn't doing it for Parents Week.....

......so I gently took her by the hand and walked across the studio with my head high, blood still dripping from my feet and with a forced smile until we got outside and I firmly told her that it was over......ballet was done for the day......and now she was crying because she wanted to go back to the ballet studio......and that's when I let her know that none of this was easy.....that I worked hard to make arrangments so she and I could do ballet alone without Brody or Elsie....and that on this particular morning, it wasn't a breeze arriving at the ballet studio.....the fast ride uphill wasn't super fun for both of us......at that moment in time I did feel like it was okay to let her in on the reality that in our household, getting to ballet by 9:15 in the morning and making arrangements for the other two takes effort......

.....and that's how the two sides of the coin balance it all.....

....when we arrived home, she laid down in her bed and slept off the past 9 days of excitement......family came and went and then one of our besties had a new brother join the world, so we spent two more nights of bliss with him......her somber was needed and our talk post shut eye was also needed....

.....the combination of the carefree joy our children experience mixed with some heart to hearts when we privy our children to understand the struggles of parenthood create a good balance of appreciation.....

....at least that is what we hope for.....

.....happy Mother's Day to all of the devoted, loving, hard working, and selfless mommas out there.....I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many who are such an encouragement to me in this emotional journey of raising our beloved babies......

.....and to my own Momma.....your love, support, inspiration, coaxing and ability to bear the burden with a smile is something I think about each day in my own quest to tackle this role......your example of being a godly momma has taught me to handle everything with prayer.....

....and to my other Momma, thank you for accepting me into your family almost 8 years ago and loving me as your own.....

.....I love you both...

.....and love to all the mommas out there who give it their all everyday....

.....to my darling children.....thank you for the purple hula hoop, the bag of Mr. Goodbar candy bars, the marigold, the crafted hand print plaque, the purple ribbon, the heart stickers, and the hand crafted beaded bracelet....

.....and to my dear husband, thank you for explaining to our children while shopping at the dollar store that it is not okay to give Momma cleaning supplies; as each of our girls consistently went back to peruse the isle with the mops and brooms.....

....that was a good life lesson.....

....Happy Mother's Day.....

....sparkle sparkle....

.....during the week leading up to Mother's Day I am always reminded of how fortunate I have been to have a mother who is encouraging, loving and so present in my life.....likewise, I am also reminded of the gift it has been to have children of my own.....mind you, I am feeling extra emotional this first full week of May after rolling off a 7 day visit with my niece and nephew......several of those days I was able to have my nephew all by himself in my home with my own three children and it was blissful to have a 1,2,3 and 4 year old frolicking around our quaint Manhattan apartment.....it was joyful, fun and chaotic and I would relive it a thousand times over if I could.....

.....also in the last 12 hours, a good friend just welcomed her beautiful baby boy into the world, my 13 month old son is on the brink of walking, my oldest confidently performed in her tap recital today and my 3 year old has dolled out about 50 I love yous since she woke up from her somber......probably a result of being overly tired, but I'll take what I can get......it has been several days wrapped up into one full swoop of emotion that overwhelmed me this morning and ties into the reason we celebrate mothers this week.....

....Certainly, there is good reason to celebrate mothers....it is an extremely difficult job and there are moments where it is an unappreciated, grueling and exhausting occupation.....it requires patience, creativity, negotiating, compassion, humor, focus, and persistence......there are no days off, nor are there sick days.....there are days we shine and days we fail......however, there are monumental moments in time when none of this matters......there can be a small sliver in a rough day that causes one to say that they would repeat the hellacious moments so they could relive the small segment of minutes or even seconds to experience the sweetness and the gratitude it stirred from within.....and it is usually in those fleeting moments when I am reminded how impactful this job truly is.....

.....more to come for my Mother's Day post as I wrap my arms around all of the ways that we as mommas try to leave our legacy......it is a week that draws a lot of thought from me now that I am a mother myself.....in doing so, I am able to refocus on areas I want to stretch myself, ways in which I can grow as I fully come into my own in this role and how I can do it in a way that glorifies God.....

....we have more influence over our children than we realize.....

.....and with that awesome responsibility come the small glimmers that are often needed to help fuel us through the rough patches; the ones that will sustain us until the next shiny moment in time that gifts us with the fortitude we need to press on.....

....more from our week long visit with cousins later this week too.....

....signing off with the biggest laugh we had over the weekend....

....we crammed this entourage into 1000+ square feet.....

....there will be many stories that will be retold around the family dinner table for years to come....it was hot, crowded, uncomfortable, frustrating, sleepless and noisy....but there were thousands of glistening and sparkling moments that stopped us in our tracks and would have us vowing at the end of a long day that we would do it all over again if we could.....

....off to get my gleam on.....