.....the core......

....yesterday was a day I watched her and acknowledged I have a little girl.....not a toddler, but a new four year old who is exercising her own independence, asserting what she likes and what she doesn't and coming into her own, just as God has intended for her.....

.....she hasn't taken the tap shoes off since yesterday.....

....again, as noted before, our neighbors who live below us are counting the days until our apartment sells......

....time will tell if this is just a new activity or a passion that has been sparked because I have never seen her so head over heels about practicing her new trade......

....and when she isn't tapping and clicking away on our hard wood floors, she is experimenting with some new styles......Daddy has had three weeks of travel on his schedule and on his last trip the girls awoke to new knee socks under their pillows as a token that they were thought of at some airport in a distant place.......

.....and since then, Elsie has also decided to add some flair to her feet because she will no longer wear shoes that make a pair......she wants to mismatch.....and she calls herself, Miss Mismatch......proudly......

.....Callie, on the other hand, sleeps, eats and plays in either a princess costume or the red hand me down tutu that used to be Elsie's......I have to pry it off her for bedtime and I stretched the truth when I told her that her teachers will not allow children to bring toys into class and that her school categorizes tutus as toys.....

....it's kind of true....

....she will not wear a dress that does not spin like a princess.....she rips off jeans.....won't wear leggings that aren't pink or purple and she boycotts any dress or skirt that has a slim cut....she has gone from rocker/tomboy style to enchanted girly girl over night and I am having to carve more time out of our day to plan for negotiations on the wardrobe......I usually let her run with most of her ideas.....

....she is my budding spirited, zealous, funny and extraordinary love child....there is no one like her.....

.....and so we usually look like this on most days.....

....and I say it out loud at least once a week that as fun as girls have been, God blessed me so fully when he gave me a son.....because sometimes on challenging wardrobe days, it's so nice to know the road ahead with Brody will be a totally different path.....

....my man was digging the train station at FAO Swartz on the last wet and rainy day we had.....and as a first time Momma of a boy, I learned all about the difference between going the Thomas the Train route or the Chuggington route....apparently, it's a big decision on what toy trains you select for your boy.....who knew?.....

....but what I do know is that no matter what, anytime I set out with a friend on a mission to get out of the apartment, opposed to sitting inside on a cold, rainy day; I feel like a rockstar......the kids had off of school on Friday for a teacher planning day and Julie and I decided to set out to the toy store since the weather was going to be dreadful.....and when the rain started blowing sideways, we each stared out our windows and resisted the urge to send a text canceling.....

....I'm so glad we stuck with the plan, even through most of us were soaked before we even arrived.....when kids are in a toy store, anything goes.....especially one of the greatest toy stores.....ever.

.....just a little play date at a place tourists wait hours to enter during Christmastime.....I'm not taking anything for granted on these final months in the city.....

....and despite all of the moving parts right now, I am also feeling very present....

.....and a lot of it has to do with sleep....it's been 9.5 months, but we are finally at a place where we are sleeping for 10 hour clips....I would have never believed anyone who would have told me it would take as long as I was pregnant to get my baby to sleep through the night.....clearly, my girls spoiled me....

....but I would do it a million times over....

....and I came to this blog tonight with only a small group of pictures....I had no clear message in my mind  to write, but I can't help but feel so very much at home with this post.....as the whole reason I started this blog was to capture every moment because I knew they were passing faster than I could catch.....I wanted to remember everything.....

....and I have certainly been very emotional since announcing the move and the reality sets in....I can well up in an instant just watching my children at a park that we have been to 1000 times because I always want to remember how much we love that particular park and how much joy it has brought my girls.....and although I swallow large lumps in my throat daily because the end is near, I also appreciate the rawness of feeling so much.....it's the exact emotion that inspired me to blog and it is a powerful surge of determination and drive to suck these moments dry......

....a wise women with three grown boys watched Stefan and me at a birthday party this weekend.....it was a party of mostly adults, but we chased after our children, ensuring sticky hands were kept to ourselves and pretty glass bowls and vases were only looked at, not touched.....she lovingly watched us and acknowledged the work that this party was causing for us; since most guests enjoyed gourmet olives and spread brie during their adult conversations with each other.....but she said something that resounded with me as we watched our three young children sit in a circle and laugh at each other....she said, it's a lot of work in the phase with three young children, but the greatest thing about this phase is that they are all yours right now.....you aren't sharing them with anyone or anything and all they want and need is you.....

.....Amen, wise woman....and thank you for acknowledging that it is hard....because it is.....really hard....but it's the beauty of this time we will remember in our wise old days.....and her comment leads me back to the core of this blog....

....savoring every minute of this wild and wonderful ride....

....constant joy.....

.....we had some good adventure this past weekend.....a spontaneous day trip with friends to the petting zoo on Friday had us exploring Manhattan for 8 hours.....happy hour rolled around on Friday late afternoon and I was so spent I couldn't even talk when Stefan came home from work.....it was the good kind of tired when my bones hurt from the pushing, lifting, strapping, squatting and the scooping a Momma does when she and 4 children run free in Manhattan......pretty sure I woke up for my first night feeding with Brody in a puddle of drool......

.....I recovered and we jaunted out to CT for an overnight stay, had some outdoor fun, made s'mores for the first time and came home to a rooftop ice cream party with friends moving out of the city.......I had a lot of pictures to sort through when the weekend came to a close.....and it's usually during this time of browsing that I am inspired with thoughts that I want to capture on this blog.....when I flip through the pictures the emotion and reflection inspire me to string my words together......usually it happens very easily for me, as writing has always been a passion of mine.....other times, I am at a loss for words, thoughts or ideas.....but this particular set of pictures only brought one thing to the forefront of my mind.....all I could think of as I studied each photograph that was taken was, wow.... my children are so incredibly happy......

....and that got me thinking about happiness.....

....I hear so many Mommas say that they want their children to be happy.....I read articles about how to encourage happiness in your child.....there are books galore on how to have a happy home......and who doesn't want that for their babes?.....we all want the best for our children......we want to hear them laugh, shield them from pain, see their vibrance as they embrace new experiences....

.....but I also know there will be times when their unhappiness is incurable....there will be situations that even as their Momma, I will not be able to console them from pain or suffering......

                                                   feeding the goats is going great....they even lick the bowl!......

                                                                                    ugh oh.....he licked it a little too hard........

                                                                                 and now the bowl is gone.....

                            Momma, the llama spit all over my cheek and hand......mean old llama!........

.....so when I flipped through the pictures admiring the smiles and silliness of their adventures, I had a secondary thought......is happiness what I really want for my children?......I sorted through more pictures....analyzing their faces, remembering what was going on in the background during the moment the shutter clicked.....trying to comprehend their excitement, their wonder, their zeal at the tiniest things.....

                                                   hold your penny in the air, toss it in the fountain and make a wish.....

                                wish granted!......ice cream.....

....and I moved into deeper thought about the pursuit of happiness......there are many people on this earth that think happiness will be achieved if they acquire something they don't have right now......but no matter how much they gain along their journey, many of them are still so empty in their quest for what they think will bring them happiness.....

....and although my children are too young to grasp this concept, it's not too early for me to mold their mindset.....I can encourage them to be joyful, rather than happy......because a joyful person is one that makes a choice to find contentment in all aspects of life, no matter if their happiness barometer is high or low.....eventually, the trips to the zoo and the playgrounds in our neighborhood will become boring.....the zeal and excitement will grow dull in the repetition of events that are no longer new anymore.....but if they can find joy in the ordinary things, then happiness, in it's ebb and flow, will be a byproduct.....

.....with a joyful heart, they can relish in the happy times that are triggered by their surroundings.....and when happiness fades, as it is always temporary; they will still experience the peacefulness that results in making the conscious choice to be joyful.....

.....so if they can acquire the knowledge of differentiating happiness versus joy in their young wonder, they will be better equipped for many of the curveballs and uphill treks that are certainly in store for their great big lives ahead.....because life will certainly hold bigger challenges for them than tolerating the same zoo or park.....it will become more complicated than the colorful world they live right now..... 

....and it's the realization of the responsibility I have to mold my children that fuels me.....they encourage me to live my life more joyfully because no matter what I teach them, it will mean nothing unless I live by example....

.....so by the time I had selected the pictures I wanted to share on this blog post and had thought through the emotions that surfaced as I stared at their picturesque faces, I had answered my initial question.....I don't want happiness for my children......it recedes as we chase it......it's an emotion that adjusts.....joy, however, is constant; not temporary......joy is steadfast and full of hope.....and that is what I want for my children......