.....stream of consciousness......

 ....he melts my heart, truly......this momma/son experience has been such a blessing and I tell him daily he is my favorite boy......glad he's got that going for him because it awes me how many of his "firsts" get watered down by the commotion of our bustling home......


........Elsie's first day of nursery school was huge.....grandparents sent cards, I took a million pictures and we shopped all summer for her backpack.....the one that she had eye balled the spring prior to school and talked about for months.....

.....Callie also had her fair share of attention on her big day......Elsie played with friends while I took Callie to class and absorbed the experience with her......we stopped for ice cream afterwards and slowly shared our treats with one another......

......Brody has three pictures from his first day, a fourth one taken by a friend who captured his unwillingness to pose any more and I neglected to carry in the canon to snap pictures of him as I watched him explore his new classroom......I meant to grab the canon, but the bus came, Elsie hopped on, Callie was excited for her first day of school, we didn't want to be late and half way into the drive it occurred to me that I never ran back upstairs to grab the canon.......after school was out, I threw the kids in the back of the car to get a latte because I needed a mid morning caffeine fix and every time I asked Brody about his first day, his sister jumped in to throw in a cool highlight about her new 4s class......

....oh, my sweet boy who is surrounded by the chit chat of women......bless you......

......I am going through a phase in which I know that I can not do it all and I am actually OK with it.....it's liberating to know that trying my best is good enough.......I barely have it together with three children and in 6 short weeks, we will have another sweet babe to care for and I am at peace knowing that our baby will be lucky to have even just one picture taken on the first day of nursery school.....

.....but in between the lack of capturing moments such as these, there will be a lot of love, laughter and cherishing because that's one thing we do well in our brood......

.....three weeks into nursery school now and I am finely in tune with how fast the year will pass.....I especially notice myself carving out time with Callie while Brody naps because I know in just 10 short months, she will be joining the bus with her sister to begin her long days of learning......she will leave this haven of comfort with familiar faces and enter the same new big world that Elsie is engulfed in this year.......

.....she will explore new things and learn in ways that enrich her and I will not get the sneak peeks from her teachers as to what she does when she is away from me.....she will be one of many more children navigating her way to find her own niche and she will have to soar on her own......

.....and just as I have with Elsie, I will ask myself as Kindergarten approaches......did I do enough when I had her home with me?.......did we read enough? play enough? bake enough? have good talks? take spontaneous adventures?.......will she remember the five years she had at home five years from now?.....am I capturing enough pictures? writing down our best times in this blog? creating moments of laughter and adventure?.......

.....some of my answers will make me proud of my momma job and some of my answers will have me tweaking things for Brody's sake and his soon to be sibling's sake......it's how we mold and change and grow and improve and it's all healthy and good and uncomfortable, simultaneously......

.....Elsie is gone from 830-330 pm everyday......she is gone 35 hours a week, not to mention the time she wants to take piano lessons or run the soccer field.........on the weekends, we have 48 hours to make up for that time and I am balancing it with two and soon to be three other children and a husband who I need and want to carve time out with, too.......

.....it's a crazy game of balance......of ebb and flow and some days I win and other days are tough defeats.....but to keep it simple, I engage whole heartedly, keep our schedule simple and refuse to commit to too many things that diffuse our time together......

.....I watch my babes play, join when they ask and try to encourage their quest for learning......

.....I have always tried to savor, savor, savor.....it's part of the mantra of this blog......but it wasn't until my oldest went to Kindergarten and the first month of school passed, allowing time to settle and for me to feel the lack of her presence upon the home that I realized the time is really vanishing......

......Callie is next and in less than a year, two of my four will be gone for long days and my early years with both of them will be memories......the new experience will be great, yes......and clearly, there are days when the simplicity of less kids at home is liberating......but the acknowledgement that time is slipping by is greater in my world today than it was only a few short months ago......

......my last ultrasound......ever......

.....the anticipation of a third baby when the girls were still so little is starting to be a long time ago because my girls are not so little anymore......

.....pregnant with Brody at 32 weeks......

.....pregnant with new baby #4 at 32 weeks......

.....our house bustles, the weeks zip by, I forget the good canon camera on Brody's first day......so we may have less pictures for his big moment as a new 2's class nursery school student......

.....but I am keenly aware of the precious little ordinary moments that make up the most important ones for our brood......and those are the ones that really count.....

.....Momma's poem......

....don't let this picture fool you.....it has been a doozie of a week......

.....our social calendar has had us partying like rock stars and although festive and fun filled; we are beginning to fizzle out.....babies aren't sleeping, the girls aren't being very obedient, I am repeating myself way too many times; which turns into me raising my voice more than I'd care to do......

....we still haven't had the time to get our tree yet and that bothers me.....sort of.......I'm stuck somewhere in between the pressure of the things I should be doing to make Christmas special in our home, but also have almost fully released myself of any unrealistic expectations for this year......I do know that Christmas memories for my children are more importantly set by the tone within our home......I would much rather have less decoration, less Christmas baking and fewer gifts in exchange for more time of enjoying one another this December.....I've postponed any plans I originally had two weeks ago when we first moved in to get settled......between three little ones and their schedules, Thanksgiving, Elsie's birthday and now prepping for Christmas; I can not focus on organizing my living space too......let alone visit this blog or get any shut eye......

....oh, did I mention my husband?.....

......I've had to cancel on a few planned festivities because our family could use some down time.....my children need quiet time to play in their new home with Christmas carols humming in the background and sugar cookies waifing their sweet smell from the oven.....we have had none of that and I have to bring our cranky train to a screeching halt.......

....life does roll on, however; amidst the hustle and bustle......we have crankiness going on everywhere for everything and first hair cuts are no exception......

....sweet boy can pout a lip like I've never seen.....

....although, I may have cracked the smallest of smallest smiles trying to make him gush over his new high and tight cut.....

....tears and all, Brody wears the comb over quite well.....

....and at least it's no longer a mullet......

.....he has had a touch of special attention this week.....our Tuesday morning began at 4:50 am when Brody decided he wasn't having his dark room or crib any more.....by 6am we were already dressed and bright eyed and at 7am when the girls began to descend from the stairs already requesting a hot breakfast, Brody was already on course two......as he reached for the syrup, he rolled off of his booster chair and thumped to the floor; which resulted in a cry that all Mommas know well.....the something hurts really bad cry......the he's not going to shake this off cry......the one that makes your heart ache because you know they are in a lot of pain......

......it was a harried 45 minutes to get out of the house......no one was dressed, combed, brushed or packed for a long school day and Brody screamed painfully the entire time......I knew his arm wasn't broken because it wasn't swelling, but he also wasn't using it and would wince when I touched it.....somehow I managed to get the posse ready to walk out the door one handed......Brody sobbed on my one side while I assisted the girls with the other......I also carried very loud conversation with the girls over the high pitched shrieking......some conversations, like I will only wear my purple socks were more terse than others, as the blood curling screams didn't seem to instill any urgency in my girls.....

.....pulling on Brody's coat and adjusting his car seat straps was absolute mayhem......I almost lost it myself during both of these routine tasks and by the time I got the girls to school and Brody to the Dr. for an Xray, he was calm and sweetly nestling his head in the crook of my neck.....

....apparently he popped his elbow out of socket from the booster seat fall and when I put his coat on and strapped him in the car seat, I unknowingly popped it back into socket......

....sweet boy has had chocolate ice pops in the tub......

....and we've given him more attention than usual for mastering his beloved puzzles and his favorite picture books.....

....he's been the rock star of our home, but not the happiest one....

.....when I confidently and assertively say no because I am in tune with what our family needs; I feel more like a seasoned mother.....not a new one, hesitantly wrapping her newborn in a swaddle or one who is potty training or teaching letter sounds for the first time.....but one with more essence......as with each passing year of motherhood, I grasp at the badge of honor and remember its beauty when I see new lines emerging on my face or skin that sags in ways that it did not used to......

....at my Thursday morning Mom's group today, the mentor Moms passed out a poem they included with our Christmas gifts this year......I thought I would share it......

I gave you life, but I can not live it for you. 

I can teach you things, but I can not make you learn.

I can give you directions, but I can not always be there to lead you.

I can allow you freedom, but cannot account for it.

I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.

I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.

I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you lovely.

I can teach you kindness, but I can not make you gracious. 

I can warn you of sin, but I cannot make your morals.

I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.

.....amen to the things that our children will remember......guarantee it won't be whether your tree was up the day after Thanksgiving or the day before Christmas......they won't remember what was in their stocking or if every bush outside your home had lights or not.....

....they will remember how you read them their favorite story every night, how you combed their hair before bead, or took them on walks on mild days.....they will remember the stories you recited from your childhood, the way you cared for them when they were sick and the way that they could nestle on your lap and feel safe, secure and fulfilled......

.....they will remember the slower days of simply being together.....

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." 

James 1:17

....bon appetit.....

....I sat down tonight to fill up my pages with the multitude of family events that just occurred, but in preparing to do so; I quickly became intimidated by all the pictures I still need to sort through.....my sister in law did a fantastic job weaving it all together and she posted it all so quickly, but I just don't have it in me tonight.....I got a late start on my date with MAC and for good reason.....my husband and I actually sat down to dinner together.....just the two of us.....for the first time in over two weeks....I cringe as I type that because infrequent couple time is not typical for us....it is way too long to go without a good meal and conversation with your beloved, but April was a blur and it got the best of us.....

....Brody turned one, we celebrated Easter, we had a full house of 9 people for a several days, two girlfriends popped in for a night and I took a solo trip to my alma mater to celebrate my sister's college graduation.....there were also field trips, parent teacher conferences, birthday parties, play dates, sicknesses....you know, the normal stuff that just piles up.....

....not only did the month pile up, but our entire family got very lazy with our eating habits.....I'm not going to speak for my whole family (Stefan), but I felt like it was time to purge the system and cleanse ourselves of processed, quick fixes and get back to planned and carefully prepared meals that are realistic to make with three small children and a very busy and hard working husband who arrives home late, ready to eat.....and for those that know us well, it's no secret that this household likes to eat.....

....even as he learns to use a spoon, he still manages to pack it down.....

....traveling, company and crazed schedules have made it challenging to practice good eating habits.....and while in Tallahassee, I just could not resist some of my favorites.....

....it's illegal to eat a raw oyster without a draft beer.....at least in my book.....

....and as much as I missed my babes and Stefan on my 48 hour escapade, I still whooped it up like a college girl.....it was so much fun to celebrate with my siblings, feed only myself at the dinner table, not change a diaper for two days and I especially enjoyed taking a shower alone......privacy is a luxury that I did not take for granted......I also had not been back to Florida State campus in 12 years.....

....although it was more emotional that I thought it would be upon entering the house I lived in for many years while on campus.....I had it all pulled together until the door opened and the house smelled the exact same....no place like home.....this was home to me and several of my besties for three years of my college career.....through our sense of smell, emotions are born and memories I haven't remembered in years flooded me upon my first inhalation in my old house.....the college girls upstairs, although all very polite,  thought I was a lunatic....there I was, sobbing as I visited old rooms and laughing out loud when I would remember something hysterical.....and then I would linger in a hallway corner to gather myself together while I cried and laughed, simultaneously; snapping pictures all while this barge of emotions overwhelmed me.....

......crazy alums......

.....and the cheap draft beer in solo cups still tastes the same.....

....I'm laughing hysterically because my Dad snapped this photo, but couldn't see the picture button in the dark college bar.....so I sat posing with my solo cup beer for a good 30 seconds before he figured out how to take this picture.....

.....like I just said, crazy alums.....

....back to good eating habits, though.....long segue, but again, like my two week over-do dinner with my husband, we always find our way back to each other.....

....Sunday night I planned out all of our dinners....I placed a huge order of groceries, had them delivered on Monday and had a plan for how I was going to use all of the fresh ingredients.....I used to be really good at this, but it's taken me a while to get my groove back after having a third child.....a year ago.....oh well; it's a marathon, not a sprint, when it comes to my pace......

.....tonight's dinner was my favorite so far this week.....although, it probably had a lot to do with my company......I found this recipe on pinterest and have many more I am excited to try.....I am aiming for healthy, fresh and non processed ingredients and recipes that are not very labor intensive.....I am happy to share our future meals that are a hit with our party of five......this one has helped move us in the right direction.....garlic-lemon chicken kabobs.....so delicious and the recipe can be found here......

.....although, we city dwellers do not use grills.....maybe the lucky ones who have a nice outdoor terrace over looking Central Park can follow this recipe to the tee......but for the rest of us, we really get to know our ovens and have to adjust the grilling recipes we attempt to try.....

.....I placed these in the oven for 12 minutes at 415 degrees, rotating twice (make sure to soak your kabob sticks in water first) and then I broiled them for 6 minutes, turning kabobs twice to evenly charbroil.....

....we also added a dash of Annie's organic asian sesame dressing and a splash of low sodium soy sauce once we mixed of veggies together with the rice......it was fabulous!......

....bon appetit....

....the sailor and his mates....

.....I surprised myself with how over zealous I became when it was time to celebrate Brody's first birthday....there were so many occasions while cutting twine, pasting photos to card stock, or stuffing goldfish into goodie bags that Stefan and I laughed.......isn't the third child supposed to have a little family celebration for their first go around turning one?.....we went big for Brody, just as we did for the girls' first anniversary of the day they joined our family......there is just no other way to celebrate the first year other than BIG, no matter how you define what big is.....for some, big is the small gathering with the fancy homemade cake, for others it is the backyard full of family and bbq or renting a place that does big for you......

.....for us, it was throwing a shin dig in our playroom with all of our dear neighbors who have become great friends......the friends who have all had babies together and know that the first year with a new baby is a long year that passes by very quickly....

....it is such an emotional first year, as there are ups and downs and highs and lows..... and moments, for me at least; when I felt like, I've got this whole three kid thing down and other times when I cried....hard....because I simply could not get my act together enough to make it to the grocery store as an accomplishment for the day......I had days when I exuded over confidence because we were on a good streak of it all coming together and within hours, I had fleeting instances of sheer panic or disgust in how I handled my short fuse with my girls......there was also a lot of sleep deprivation this past first year....definitely, not enough sleep this last year.....

......but all of those little instances, fueled with emotion, were tiny blips on my screen.....in the entire series of my life, they would not of even make up a chapter of their own......in the big picture, they are all overshadowed by the fact that God blessed us with the most loveable, blue eyed boy who changed all of us for the better.....

.....so when our family began reminiscing about how fast Brody's first year passed by, we all decided that a big party was the way to go.....the girls bounced up and down with excitement, Stefan shrugged his shoulders and with his half grin said, go for it, babe; and that was the beginning of how our family defined BIG for this special occasion......

......Stefan was very hands on with this party, which not only made it more entertaining for me to have him as my sidekick; but also aided in preparing for a bash that entertained 19 little people.......this was also my first boy party and I happily deliberated between dump trucks, pirates or sailboats for months...... it truly became a family affair, with each of us finding a way to contribute for the preparation.......Elsie was inclined to assert her helpfulness by tying life savers to twine, whereas Callie enjoyed separating silverware so she could then group the knives, forks and spoons to be rolled in red napkins......each person had their job they liked to do and we took breaks throughout the week to pull action items off my to do list......this was certainly going to be our last party to host in our NYC playroom, so we wanted to make it a festive occasion with all of our favorite people who share our street as their beloved home.......

.....and for the record, pinterest is also a dangerous place for women like me......that site was full of the best ideas I absolutely had to duplicate, which kept adding to the list of things to buy and projects to complete.......so it would be an understatement to say that our whole family went a tad bit overboard for our little man's first birthday.....


....no pun intended....

.....and there was a sentimental touch that resonated with all of us because the inspirtation for this party came from Brody's vintage outfit that was saved by my mother in law after thirty something years......Once I remembered I had this beauty in the next season stash, the deliberation on party theme was over.....we were cruising towards nautical flags, sand buckets and anchors to embrace the fact that father and son wore the same thing at 12 months old.....

....and it was engaging for all of us to see the resemblance between the two....

.....it made for quite the conversation piece and I am so grateful our Mimi saved some of the best of what Stefan wore when he was a baby.....we are very lucky for a sentimental Mimi like her......

....and once the party started, our little man was ready to rally with his friends.....or I should say, his sister's friends......but needless to say, Callie and Elsie were both ready to help host his little sailor smash.......

.....and so was Paul who rocked the house down with our little people.....

.....which carved out some time for the adults to gather, eat, laugh, drink and be merry.....Little people singing and dancing and big people, with a beverage in hand, enjoying watching the festivities......

....I can't think of a better way to spend a late Sunday afternoon......

.....and a menu of hotdogs, dips, berries and cheeses served as a good early evening snack......but nothing could have prepared us for the amount of watermelon that was consumed......

.....these little boats were a bigger hit than the cupcakes......

.....although now that he knows what sugar, butter and cream whipped together tastes like, he was happy to exchange his watermelon for a creamy, vanilla treat.....

.....especially with such an attentive audience.....

.....and I think he was full from all of the watermelon, because he didn't destroy his cake like he did on his real birthday four days earlier.....

....or maybe he just likes to inhale cake in the privacy of his own home.....

....but it was a good evening had by all....there were many times when I stopped to take it all in so I could remember it....I wanted to sear it all in my memory bank.....the way my girls giggled the whole time.....the smiles, the conversation, the overall joyful feeling in the room.......the collection of people who were kind enough to come and share the love we have for Brody......my baby boy who is further away from being a baby than he is from turning into a budding toddler......

......it all goes by so fast.....every moment is a fleeting portion of time that passes more quickly than we anticipate.....and this evening was no different.......

.....his ship had sailed.....

....our little sailor was ready for lights out.....

....we loved celebrating his first year.....everything about the first 12 months that made it such an emotional time.....we all adjusted, we all fine tuned, we all learned to love deeper and to be more generous with one another.....our family grew and it forced the walls of our home to stretch and adjust as we moved things around on the inside.....

....and the end result is a beautiful, cozy place that fits 5 of us perfectly.....

.....until the next good reason to celebrate.....

.....and we'll do it big for that occasion too.....

Special thanks to Maria at Palm Beach Polkadots for help with the decorations and to Cassie and Sara for taking such memorable photos!. Thank you all!